In Between Loss and Love

 In Between Loss and Love

    Unfortunately, for many of us love after loss is a tale as old as time, especially when it comes to pregnancy. The uphill battle and the downward spiral I faced after losing the life that was forming within my womb, was a battle that many have tragically struggled through. Once you work through the agony of not having the baby you once thought you'd hold in your hands, you're left in an empty, silent void. I want to talk about the void for a little. Many women feel alone in this space, yet many women are aimlessly wandering the void all at once. The space where you start to notice that the faces that were once stained with tears, are now smiling and happy again. "Why aren't I?" You plague yourself with that thought. My mother once cried with me, yet she's found joy again... why can't I? My sisters once cried with me, yet joy now radiates off of them the way the moon glistens on a dark night... Why won't joy find me? The father of my child was once shackled by the same pain, yet he's now free... why can't I be free? How has the world begun spinning for everyone else, yet time stands still for me. Why am I frozen? Why does every day feel like an out of body experience? Why does it feel like I'm on the outside looking in, watching myself go through the motions, but my soul is motionless? Why.. am I.. so.. empty?

    Then you find a way to just barely drag yourself out of the void. You're in a new space, where the sun seems to shine but it's always cloudy. Sure you're starting to do things you used to do before, and sure you don't feel like a complete shell of your former self... but there's something missing. Then the lies begin to weave themselves into unrelenting thoughts that consume your brain. "I can erase this emptiness I feel.. I'll be whole again.. The sun will shine unobstructed into my world if I could just have another baby!!" And so you've entered a new kind of bottomless pit. Baby fever after baby loss is worse than the pain your felt before. I don't think many of us mamas realized that... right? How could having baby fever possibly be more painful than losing my baby? Let me explain my audacious statement. It's more painful because it puts you in a cycle so vicious you don't even realize you have whiplash until it's too late. You start timing sex with your partner, and it's no time for fun or romance... doesn't he realize you're on a mission? You start over analyzing every symptom you feel. Are these cramps i'm feeling lighter and more bearable than my normal cramps? Do my boobs hurt a lot more than they normally do? Am I craving foods I never liked before? 

    The two week wait feels more like two years. Please I just have to know.. was I successful? So you buy an early test. "NEGATIVE" "NOT PREGNANT" Your heart drops. I did everything right. I had sex when I was suppose to. I ate things that increased fertility. I laid off my nightly glass of wine. So what happened? Oh yeah.. it's too early!! I'll test again in a day or two. Suddenly you have taken 10 tests of all different kinds. Pink dye, blue dye, digital, expense, cheap... if the test exists, you have taken it. Yet they all came back negative.. why? I know I'm pregnant. I can FEEL I'm pregnant. So that inevitable google searches begin. "Pregnancy symptoms VS period symptoms", "sore boobs, cravings, light cramps.. am I pregnant?",  and my favorite one of all, "how likely is it to get a false negative on a pregnancy test?" You spend hours in the bathroom staring at the test. You've learned about evap lines and you are raking your brain trying to figure out if you're seeing an evap line or if this is just a faint positive. 

    Then you go to the bathroom and your worst nightmare is face to face with you. You're bleeding... but wait I learned about implantation bleeding maybe it's that! Yes!! The hope is still there. Life can still be beginning in my womb. This is just a little implantation bleeding that's all. My baby is just making their mark. This is a good sign! But then the cramps get stronger and more intense. The bleeding is picking up. What's happening? And so you turn to your best friend and worst enemy wrapped into one... Google. "Can implantation bleeding be heavy and bright red?" You scroll past hundreds of articles telling you that the bleeding you are experiencing is most likely your period. You just need to find the one article of that one special person who had heavy implantation bleeding and went on to have a successful pregnancy. You just need to find the one article that will justify the hope you are clingy to. The bleeding never stopped. It only progressed. You... are not... pregnant. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? Why do I feel like less of a woman because I can't get pregnant? My body failed me already will it continue to fail me? Will I continue to feel so disconnected from myself?

    Then the positive test comes. Life has decided to launch itself into my womb once again. The sun shines brightly on you again and you are beaming. Tears of joy pour down yourself and you feel the high a gambler who has just come off a losing streak feels. You have been shown divine favor once again. Only the joy doesn't last long. Suddenly you are overcome with pain, and fear, and guilt. Will my body betray me again? I need to watch what I eat. I need to watch how active or inactive I am. What if I don't cross the finish line to motherhood... again? I'm scared. Am I betraying the life I once mourned, by being hopeful this life doesn't meet the same fate? Why have I been robbed of my joy again. Aren't I supposed to be happy? Why has the day I prayed for suddenly become the most terrifying day of my life? No no no. I can do this. We can do this. My body is strong and resilient. It is capable of amazing miracles. Life is beginning within ME. This is a beautiful journey. I will try not to rob myself of my joy!

The place in between loss and love is one of constantly changing emotions... filled with thoughts of joy and pain... full of ups and downs... but somehow it's a wonderful place to be.